The Poopening

Another Placement

In my last post I left a not so subtle hint that our time without fostering was relatively brief.  So for anyone who missed it, we have another placement already. 

Although I still can’t reveal a great deal about the circumstances of the placement, I am going to  share the gender this time around.

We have a… <dramatic pause>

A pictuare of cheesecake and not baby poop
This is NOT a picture of poop. Aren’t you glad?  Although I guess it is actually potential poop… let’s not think of it that way though, shall we?

Disclaimer

This blog post talks about poop a lot and about pee too.  It is about a baby.  I probably shouldn’t need this disclaimer.  That’s like warning people that stuff is going to blow up in a Michael Bay film. But I guess not all baby discussions are about poop, so maybe it is warranted.

And be grateful I didn’t use the picture of poop I could have used for this blog.  You’re welcome.

And Now for Something Completely Different…

While we are waiting to hear the gender of the baby, I’d like to share a bit of absurdist satire that my recent experiences have inspired.

Announcer: Coming up, on U62 – your local news!

<Montage of stock footage of infants>

Hard Hitting Reporter: Babies. They are cute, often cuddly. But they can have a darker side. An expensive side. See the affects this baby’s habits have on its family.

<Video interview>

Overwhelmed Father: I just don’t know what well else to do. I don’t see how we are going to afford it.

Announcer: Tune it at 5 to hear the rest of this heart breaking story.

And Now for Something Not Completely Different…

Now since I don’t want to keep you in too much suspense, here is the news story that aired at 5.

Hard Hitting Reporter: Now you don’t consider yourself poor, correct?

Overwhelmed Father: That’s right. I make a good wage and we are pretty responsible with our money.

Hard Hitting Reporter: And yet you feel it necessary to start a Go Fund Me to raise this child.

Overwhelmed Father: Boy, you are a hard hitting reporter. It isn’t the feeding him or clothing the kid. It’s the diapers. The pooping… it just, never STOPS! I’m not sure how that kid poops so much. And it is never all at once, oh no. That wouldn’t be so bad. It’s right after eating, right after pooping, while we give him a bath to help cleaneeded up all the poop, right after a new diaper, while he is projectile vomiting his lunch. And vomit isn’t the only thing being propelled out of an orifice. There’s the projectile pooping. Kid can barely get a binky in the mouth but could hit a butterfly in flight at 100 yards with that poop. There are times we don’t even bother putting the diaper on. You just stick it under there and wait for it to fill up and then move another one under.

Hard Hitting Reporter: How many diapers does your child go through in a day?

Overwhelmed Father: Let’s see… I’m a little tired so it is hard to keep track, but I’d say no less than 1,400.

Hard Hitting Reporter: How can this even happen? Shouldn’t the baby only be able to poop at least what it has eaten?

Overwhelmed Father: That’s got me stumped. I’ve got a cousin over at NASA who thinks maybe a wormhole has opened up in the baby’s colon that leads to another universe made entirely of poop.

Hard Hitting Reporter: You heard it first ladies and gentlemen: Directly from NASA folks – an alternate dimension comprised entirely of poop is invading our planet. So if you have any pity on this man and care about our very existence, please contribute to Go Fund Me so he can combat this other worldly invasion.

Overwhelmed Father: We are only asking for $20,000,000. That should cover diapers until the kid is potty trained and leave a little left over to cover most of the wipes. We have a petition to see if we can just rent the Grand Canyon to hold all the poop, which is pending an environmental impact study.

Hard Hitting Reporter: And now back to Bob for some sports updates.

Bob The Sports Guy: The Cleveland Browns are actually interested in signing the poop baby as their quarterback. The Go Fund Me is cheaper than an actual quarterback, but should get the same performance the Browns have come to expect. Hollywood has also expressed interest in the movie rights and Michael Bay is slated to direct.

Hey look, I made a football and a second Michael Bay joke!  And if you are confused by the sports guy is talking about Entertainment news, repeat to yourself, “It’s just a (joke); I should really just relax.”

The Big Reveal

And he is a… (if you can’t figure it from that, go study English pronouns).

We have a little baby boy with us now.

Babies are Different (DUH!)

It is pretty much common sense that each baby is different, but it has been surprising just how different they can be. 

Baby #1 liked to sleep.  A lot.  So does baby #2, but a lot less.

Baby #1 had an adorable whimper.  Baby #2 has more of a traditional baby cry.

Baby #1 didn’t make a lot of faces.  Baby #2 likely has a lot of the same DNA that Jim Carrey has that allows him to make funny faces.

Baby #1 was a SLOW eater.  With Baby #2 is a bit of a magician – the formula is there one minute and gone the next.

Baby #1 was tiny.  Baby #2 is long… with long fingers, and long toes.  And he has a big head. 

Baby #1 hated hats.  Baby #2 can’t wear them. “His head is so big, he can’t wear any hats.”  (Honestly, we haven’t actually tried to make him wear a hat yet.  I just wanted to include that quote.  His head is big though.)  “It’s like an orange on a toothpick.”

Okay, I will try really hard to be done with the movie quotes.  And his head isn’t that big, but it is in the 90th percentile while the rest of him is closers to the 50th.

I know we learned a lot from Baby #1.  I’d like to think we are doing a little bit better this time with managing sleep and baby care this time around.  I even got the onesie on right the first time!  But there are definitely different challenges this time around.  For example:

We were always concerned that Baby #1 was constipated.  When you try to find out how to tell, mostly you get “What is normal for your baby?”

“What do you mean, ‘What is normal?’ we just got him two days ago!”

If Baby #2 is ANYTHING it is NOT constipated.

And Baby #1 never peed in his own face.  Baby #2 didn’t seem to mind until I tried to clean him off.

Baby For Christmas

My wife keeps asking me what I want for Christmas, but honestly, I’ve already got what I wanted.  To be a daddy!

Oh and I want an NES Classic… those are apparently harder to get than babies.

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